Yuugiou: Tales Of High Priest Seto
by Setine
Summary: ... because High Priest Seto thinks that people need to get a clue. Side Story to Seto Kaiba: Behind the Genius
1. Chapter 1

_That not-so-nice feeling is still there. I'm going on a little hiatus because I have a lot of things going on that are not-so-nice. So, thanks. I'm awaiting KCGrandPrix, but kidsWB is not showing AE arc. Dammit! I want my High Priest Seto x Kisara fix!_

_**So, here's a little side story.**_

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**Yuugiou: Tales Of High Priest Seto  
**

_**Summary:**_

_**What really goes on inside the mind of the creator of the Tell-Me-All Tablet? **_

**Part One—**

**Battle City**

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**Entry One—**

I get a sexual innuendo for a Millennium Item? Poor Malik Ishtar, now you know. And I am _so _much sexier than that good for nothing Seto Kaiba. Look at him! He doesn't know how to show off his thighs! Those pants and buckles make him look like a prostitute your mother would purchase because your biological father was discovered by her husband and murdered! Don't get me started on his royal highness either. God! I'm a pimp! I had to serve a whore for a King! His royal Whoriness.

**Entry Two—**

Isis still talks in riddles. It's beginning to annoy me again.

**"This carving indicates a great battle between the pharaoh and a dark priest." **

**Entry Three—**

So I'm evil now? What the hell Isis!

**Entry Four—**

I became considerable paler in her vision. And I'm wearing a funky hat—I don't remember sacrificing people when I summoned my monster.

**Entry Five—**

Oh, and I _'magically' _get Kisara—before I even meet her.

**Entry Six—**

Why is his royal Highness wearing a pants? What the hell is he wearing!

**Entry Seven—**

Though, I do remember that one day there was a breeze and I saw all of Atemu's 'secrets'.

**Entry Eight—**

Or was it the other way around?

**Entry Nine—**

Mine is so much bigger than stupid Mahaado's.

**Entry Ten—**

I don't like it that Seto Kaiba is on all fours and Isis is standing behind him.

**Entry Eleven—**

Oh great. Its his royal Whoriness.

**Entry Twelve—**

**"I've been awaiting you my pharaoh." **

So that I can force you to bear my babies.

**Entry Thirteen—**

Isis. Not me.

**Entry Fourteen—**

Although I would have very beautiful children.

**Entry Fifteen—**

What is with her visions! They all make me seem like I'm some evil—ugly—twisted _thing_!

**Entry Sixteen—**

Now must bear Seto Kaiba's idiotic laughter.

**"Then I'll be crowned Duel Monster's Champion!"**

**Entry Seventeen—**

Good luck. I tried. I failed.

**Entry Eighteen—**

Mokuba Kaiba is so cute. I would hug him.

**Entry Nineteen—**

In a non-Pedophiliac way.

**Entry Twenty—**

Oh god. I thought my reincarnation was bad! Look at his royal highness'.

**Entry Twenty-One—**

You know what they say about short people.

**Entry Twenty-Two—**

Jounochi Katsuya is annoying me now. I hope someone smites him.

**Entry Twenty-Three—**

So what if Seto Kaiba didn't invite you! Maybe you need to be smarter than a rock to participate. Seriously!

**Entry Twenty-Four—**

Kaiba, I think you went a little overboard. I mean, all you need now are the fifty 'virgins'.

**Entry Twenty-Five—**

Why is everyone in the future so stupid?

**"Soon Master Malik will have your puzzle." **

Malik? Malik Ishtar? The one that screamed because he broke a nail? **That is the bumbling twit that my Millennium Item has gone to! **What did I do to deserve this?

**Entry Twenty-Six—**

It's because I had sex isn't it? It's because I decided not to be a boy for the rest of my life and I slept with the Queen of Sheba!

**Entry Twenty-Seven—**

Or is it because I almost destroyed the world because my father took over my soul?

**Entry Twenty-Eight—**

I think it was the whole sex part.

**Entry Twenty-Nine—**

**"I win Rare Hunter, now give me back my friend's rarest card!" **

No exchange of people? What the hell is this? No blood! No gore!

**Entry Thirty—**

**"I will get your puzzle pharaoh" **

So says the puppet. Trust me, the puzzle guarantees victory. Just like your mom guarantees satisfaction.

**Entry Thirty-One—**

(((gigglesnort)))

Mahaado is….

((giggle))

**Entry Thirty-Two through Forty—**

That was a good chuckle. Mana got skimpy. I don't think Mahaado cares. I think he's finally getting a personality.

**Entry Forty-One—**

Nope. Mahaado still just stands there with his arms crossed thinking, _"Maaahhh! I'll stand here and be stoic! MAAAHH!" _

Seriously.

**Entry Forty-Two—**

I skipped Jounouchi.

Hah!

**Entry Forty-Three—**

Oh, I bet Mana liked it when Mahaado (The DARK MAGE…. ((snork)) Dark Mage, my bottom.) was tied to that cross.

**Entry Forty-Four—**

Pandora is really starting to annoy me. Really. What would cutting of Atemu's legs do?

**Entry Forty-Five—**

I'm starting to loose faith in Shaadi and his people.

**Entry Forty-Six—**

…

Pandora's love is a doll. Am I the only one that sees this?

**Entry Forty-Seven—**

Apparently so.

**Entry Forty-Eight—**

That's it Atemu, let Pandora get his legs get chopped off. Haha!

**Entry Forty-Nine—**

Urgh. Good for nothing Yuugi. He's all, **"We have to help him!" **

**Entry Fifty—**

Urgh. It's Malik talking again. I'm going to sleep and dream that everyone gets a clue.

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**Baaaahhh! Hopefully its good. I like the idea. I highly doubt anyone else will. **  



	2. Chapter 2

_**SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS and SPOILERS. **_

_More High Priest Seto gloriness. So, the AU arc starts either next week, or the week after, if my station doesn't decide to put a church broadcast on public television on a Saturday morning. ((growls)) I want my crotch shots in the morning dammit!_

_**Kisara: The spirit of the Blue Eyes White Dragon. Was sacrificed by Seto and in the manga, he falls in love with her.**_

_**Arken: Thief Bakura **_

_**Akunadin: High Priest Seto's father. Atemu's uncle—kinda convinced Atemu's dad to kill all those people to make the Sennen Items. I dunno how the dub is going to put it, but I'm going according to the manga. **_

_**Atemu: Yami's real name**_

_**If I switch back into the Japanese version, please excuse that I used the dub the first chapter.**_

_Osiris: Dub name : Slifer_

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**Yuugiou: Tales Of High Priest Seto **

**-**

**SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS**

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**Entry Fifty-One: **

So, miraculously they didn't get a clue. Why? Because . Just because. I'm still the evil force that makes all the other evil forces in the world—namely one Atlantian that likes to pay little trips to my tomb to tell me they told me so—go 'Oh darn. He'll never finish his never ending battle with Seto, I guess we just have to interrupt them and, as a kicker, blame it on Seto'

And the little minion will go:

_'By jove! You are really the pivotal genius I always thought you weren't."_

And then:

_'Thank you little minion. Now, go catch a chicken so I can have a cultic sacrifice.'_

**Entry Fifty-Two:**

Hey, it happened to me once. Except the I was the sacrifice.

_"Yes Seto, be diplomatic."_

Then when I reach Greece, the tribe I was supposed to be diplomatic to was a tribe of all women. Warrior Women. Women who hadn't seen a man or had men as slaves. That's why the little bugger didn't go.

To make really long and disgusting story that involved me being tied to an alter short I spiked his royal highness' drink and in the morning he woke up next to a concubine that hadn't been bathed in a week.

**Entry Fifty-Three: **

But, I am not an evil priest.

**Entry Fifty-Four: **

Nor a vengeful one mind you.

**Entry Fifty-Three: **

That's right Kaiba. Because a guy ambushes a random weakling and then picks on your little brother, you get to whip out your phallic card and have him "teach the punk a lesson". Wonderful, I hope you give your future wife the gift of being taught a lesson by a phallic object.

**Entry Fifty-Four: **

It's so boring. Booorrrrriiinnngggggggg… I actually put my Harry Potter book down for this? (1) Oh look a lightening tower/sieve called the "Silent One" – let me guess, he pierced his voice box too?—has spotted his royal highness.

**Entry Fifty-Five: **

Which brings me to an interesting question: How hard is it not to find Atemu? He's an oasis in a desert. Or, he's better than an oasis—he's what these people now call a cell phone tower? I think that's what it's called. Really.

**Entry Fifty-Six:**

Hmm… maybe this Final Fantasy thing is a good way for me to take out all my frustration (sexual? No. I was having special sessions with the priestess of fertility though) by playing a game where summoners summon beasts. I like this Shiva one. Yes. Very nice. And that Lulu character as well. Because she has two sets of powerful spells.

Auron is a very good warrior.

But, then I played the seventh installment and I happen to think that Sephiroth is better. Hmm… must contemplate this.

**Entry Fifty-Seven: **

Oh now the Silent One—now named lightening rod—maybe not, it's still phallic—maybe cell phone tower is better—anyway is dueling the Pharaoh. The pharaoh is getting his ass served to him from a technological device.

**Entry Fifty-Eight: **

You know if I was there when Kaiba arrived on his helicopter, my robes may have blown up. Stupid seamstress. Everyone gets nice robes, no! The first set I had was so short that people would poke my thigh. Then, I got pants and I was happy. But, then my robes had a gigantic slit down the side. Then, I got my nice ones that I died in. At least I didn't die a whore like Atemu.

**Entry Fifty-Nine: **

Oh my Ra! Shut up and play the damn card already(2)! Why did you wait so a good two hours with that stupid, stupid mind control card? Huh? You could have spared my time and Seto Kaiba could have gotten his nails done and worked on a good maniacal laugh! Urgh! You fools! Where is Dartz when you need him? Osiris! Smite them! Smite!

**Entry Sixty: **

Don't give me that look! You're stuck in a card!

_"I'm still a God."_

**Entry Sixty-One: **

Card. God Card.

**Entry Sixty-Two: **

Great. The God cards sulk. I just hope Ra doesn't do something stupid like pout.

**Entry Sixty-Three: **

_"Yes Obelisk you still are phallic."_

**Entry Sixty-Four: **

_"Don't give me that look!"_

**Entry Sixty-Five: **

And we relied on these cards? How did we let them destroy Egypt again?

**Entry Sixty-Six: **

Right. It was Zork and Arken.

**Entry Sixty-Seven: **

How come he gets reincarnated into someone who looks exactly like him and mine refuses to acknowledge I exist?

**Entry Sixty-Eight: **

Oh. That's right. Shaadi messed up.

_"I never mess up."_

_"Right, this coming from the man who, who, who, urgh!"_

_"You never have anything on me."_

_"That's because you're bald."_

_"Hmm…"_

_"Shut up."_

_"Whatever you say Seto."_

**Entry Sixty-Nine: **

I hate living people. I mean, what's so hard about having a reflection that's not your own.

**Entry Seventy: **

_"Ah! Freaky man in the mirror."_

**Entry Seventy-One: **

So the boy's girlfriend makes out with him because apparently a person can't have a different reflection.

**Entry Seventy-Two: **

Oh, look I'm back and Malik is still doing his monologue.

_"And then Pharaoh, I will claim the puzzle and become the true pharoh."_

**Entry Seventy-Three: **

Loser. I'm actually the current pharaoh. Because when he dies, I as his cousin assume the throne. That's right.

**Entry Seventy-Four: **

And my reign lasted a whole four minutes before my father killed me.

**Entry Seventy-Five: **

See, when I saw Pegasus with the Sennen Eye, I was perturbed. Because, lets use Kisara as an example—pale hair and skin, blue eyes and a woman. Pegasus pale hair, weird eye(s) and weird, weird habits. Akunadin would have chosen someone better. Like a controlling insane man like I dunno—Malik's father.

_"I chose Pegasus because—"_

_"You messed up and the eye was all 'Not-again' and chose him."_

_"… Shut up."_

**Entry Seventy-Six: **

Still going on. Now Malik has Atemu's panties in a bunch because he's targeted his friends.

**Entry Seventy-Seven: **

Ooo Malik. You're a smart one. Go after a girl that has a shoe for a weapon, a boy that all he has to do is belch and your men are gone and you're set.

**Entry Seventy-Eight: **

That's right Malik. Team up with Arken, he'll lead you to success. Oh, beware, he eats garlic and doesn't bathe.

**Entry Seventy-Nine: **

Atemu's friends got captured. How?

**Entry Eighty: **

Wait? Blonde concubine is Malik?

**Entry Eighty-One: **

_"Anubis?"_

_"Yes Seto."_

_"Do you think that the Ammit is free?"_

_"… Shaadi hasn't returned her yet." (3)_

_"Damnit."_

_"But, he's doing my job for me."_

_"Anubis?"_

_"Yes Seto?"_

_"Don't let that wannabe warrior called Anubis be raised from the Pyramid of Light." (4)_

_"Why?"_

_"He smells funny."_

_"Okay."_

_"And Anubis?"_

_"Yes."_

_"I was totally rooting for you during the MummyII"_

_"Thank you Seto."_

**Entry Eighty-Two: **

Damn that Shaadi. He keeps the guardian of the underworld for a couple millennia. But, when I want to used it for a walk, nooo…

**Entry Eighty-Three: **

Wooo a double-duel. Poor Mokuba. All my blood would rush to my brain if I was suspended like that.

**Entry Eighty-Four: **

_"You don't have blood."_

**Entry Eighty-Five: **

Stupid Mahado, figured out how to get out of his damn card.

**Entry Eighty-Six: **

_"It's a figure of speech."_

**Entry Eighty-Nine: **

_"It's very illogical."_

**Entry Ninety: **

_"Mahado?"_

_"Yes?"_

_"Die."_

_"I'm already dead."_

_"It's a bloody metaphor!"_

_"You don't have any blood."_

**Entry Ninety-One: **

_"My lord Thor(5)"_

_"Yes Seto?"_

_"Can I use your excellency's quill?"_

_"For your tablet Seto?"_

_"… Uh yes my lord."_

_"It truely is a work of art."_

_ "Thank you." _

Yes, thank you magic sphere with an 8 inscribed on it. _  
_

**Entry Ninety-Two:**

Damn minions of Thor. Caught me trying to stab Mahado in the eye.

**Entry Ninety-Three: **

_"Karim?"(6)_

_"Hym-hym."_

_"What's something's stuck in your throat?"_

_"Seto, my new name is the Obnoxious Guardian."_

_"… They got that right."_

_"What?"_

_"Huh? … Oh nothing. Hey can I use your sword."_

_"No!"_

_"The weapon."_

_"What for?"_

_"To protect the spiritual realm from harm."_

_"Of course."_

**Entry Ninety-Four: **

Damn Mana caught me trying to decapitate Maahado.

**Entry Ninety-Five:**

And Kaiba whips out Kisara! Kisara! Yes!

**Entry Ninety-Six: **

_"My love why do you look like a prostitute?"_

_"Get back to work and I'll tell you when he dies."_

**Entry Ninety-Seven: **

How much longer?

**Entry Ninety-Eight: **

Not the phallic god!

**Entry Ninety-Nine:**

And phallic objects win again.

**Entry One Hundred: **

Urgh. Monologue.

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_**Footnotes: **_

_(1) Phrase coined by VideoGameRecaps(dot)com_

_(2) The name of the LiveJournal Yuugiou Community that rocks._

_(3) An episode from Season 0 or one of the earlier mangas. A mercenary tries to sell the Sennen puzzle on the black market. Shaadi intervenes and well, does creepy Shaadi stuff._

_(4) Yuugiou the Movie. That's right I watched it only to hear Simple Plan angst Seto out. Movie was horrible. I heard the Japanese version was that Akunadin brought Anubis… I dunno. Anubis is not that—bad puns included._

_(5) Thor—the scribe god. I may get it wrong but **someone went to Egypt. **_

_(6) Karim – One of the six priests. Was entombed in the Celtic Guardian card. Which I find funny. So I picked a dub name because… I forgot the Japanese one._

_If I missed an event in Battle City, please tell me._


	3. Chapter 3

I got to see AE this weekend! IndianaJones!Grandpa is Atemu's pimp. Yes, the crack communities that I'm a part of. So where did I leave off? I need to do the duel between Malik! Jounouchi and EvilHostage!Anzu and the beginning of Battle Ship. Then, maybe I'll do Noa's arc. Maybe.

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**Entry 101—**

Soooooo hungry.

**Entry 102—**

What does a dead person eat?

**Entry 103—**

_"Brains?" _

**Entry 104—**

_"Shut up Mahaado." _

**Entry 105—**

_"But, in all the movies that his Royal Highness watches—the dead person eats brains."_

**Entry 105—**

_"Mahaado, this is a brain sucker. Right now it's starving." _

**Entry 106—**

_"Tact is a poor substitute for wit Seto." _

**Entry 107—**

_"So says the man in purple armor with purple hair." _

**Entry 108—**

_"Says your mother." _

**Entry 109—**

_"I believe that Jesus would be offended by that." _

**Entry 110—**

_"And Darth Vader." _

**Entry 111—**

Mahaado doesn't know who Darth Vader is…

Ohohohohohoho!

**Entry 112—**

_"Darth Vader is the murder of Anakin Skywalker, a chosen one to bring balance between good and evil."_

**Entry 113—**

Stupid Karim, he wasn't supposed to listen in.

**Entry 114—**

_"We must avenge him!" _

**Entry 115—**

I'm so _not _evil. I did _not _make two priest on an endless search for Darth Vader. Oh, there's a … commercial … uh-oh.

**Entry 116—**

Yep. ((cough)) Oh well, Kaiba will be blamed sooner or later.

**Entry 117—**

Back on the subject of Battle City.

**Entry ****118—**

So, this is what I've gathered—I had to Final Fantasy VII—while Atemu and Kaiba were fighting on a glass building, Malik captured Jounouchi and Anzu, brainwashed them and now have pitted them against Atemu? Excellent! Finally some drama.

**Entry 119—**

_"I love you Jounochi."_

**Entry 120—**

Urgh. I need to puke.

**Entry 121—**

_"But, you're dead!"_

**Entry 122—**

Figure of speech. Didn't we go over this Shaadi?

**Entry 123—**

I hate people.

**Entry 124—**

So, wait all Kaiba had to do was throw a card and the guy got knocked out. Then, he rescued what's-her-face.

**Entry 125—**

Then former blind-girl jumps and saves her brother who is sinking.

**Entry 126—**

I knew that I shouldn't have eaten those snowballs.

**Entry 127—**

But… imported goodness.

**Entry 128—**

_"Seto! There's white powder all over your face." _

**Entry 130—**

Why can't I _ever _win? Please tell me?

**Entry 131—**

_"It is in your destiny." _

**Entry 132—**

Yeah, slept with her. Didn't do any good.

**Entry 133—**

I'm only on the 33rd entry for this stupid installment and I'm already agitated.

**Entry 134—**

I think there should be a lightening storm.

**Entry 135—**

So, Battle Ship begins.

**Entry 136—**

What the hell!

**Entry 137—**

Kaiba's friggin' blimp is phallic.

**Entry 138—**

I swear, if the finals take place in something phallic. I will give someone creepy visions of the past.

**Entry 139—**

Is it me or is everyone blind?

**Entry 140—**

You can so tell that the 'mysterious duelist ' is Isis.

**Entry 141—**

Then again, this is coming from people who can take out henchmen with dice and cards.

**Entry 142—**

If we could do that in Egypt, then I wouldn't be you know, dead.

**Entry 143—**

Yes. Just throw my scrolls for tax reformation.

**Entry 145—**

Hey, someone had to do it.

**Entry 146—**

And do me.

**Entry 147—**

Urgh. I'm twelve all over again.

**Entry 150—**

So, as usual Kaiba makes a long speech. Arken—I'm sorry, he has a better name now—Yami no Bakura still eats like—well, him.

Oh, I just can't wait for the semi-finals.

Not.


End file.
